If you’re feeling guilty a lot, it might be time to address your guilt habit.

And one way to know you’re dealing with guilt is to listen for the word ‘should.’ Are you telling yourself how you ‘should’ (or ‘shouldn’t’) feel? 

I’m so thrilled I got the promotion but I shouldn’t feel so good because my friends didn’t get promoted too.  

I shouldn’t feel this jealous of my friend, no matter how often she gets asked out.  

I shouldn’t feel this hurt over something so stupid.  

I shouldn’t be this happy about breaking up with such a nice guy.          

I shouldn’t get this upset with the kids.

When it comes to feelings, your brain just can’t help but throw in that ‘should.’ And the ‘should’ turns into joy crushing guilt and shame.  We’ve all experienced the ‘shoulds’ before and they always leave you feeling guilty.

You get home from an exhausting day of work, collapse on the couch, and your only thought is Netflix and pajamas. Then your partner comes home and excitedly tells you he invited friends over for drinks. You’re first reaction is “no way.” You’re pissed and tell him to cancel because you were really counting on a night alone. He looks dejected and pissed. And now you feel guilty and selfish, and agree to have them come over.

You tell yourself it’s not such a big deal, it’s just one night. But as you’re preparing appetizers, you’re feeling guilty, followed by a surge of self-criticism.

But there’s a way past guilt: listen to your heart instead of your brain.

Your heart reduces the intensity of guilt by accepting whatever you’re feeling as valid. In Heart, there is no should or shouldn’t when it comes to what your emotions are and how they feel to you. They’re your emotions. and what matters is what you’ll do from there.

Heart is fine with feeling tired or unhappy, or simply not wanting to socialize or go out with someone (even a good friend). These are valid feelings to Heart, and exist outside the realm of ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ And these feelings do not determine what action you’ll take.

It’s Heart that gets you beyond your guilt to put the underlying self-criticism to rest.

In Heart, triggers are things that call your attention and create opportunity for learning, rather than just onerous events. Heart sees this is happening for me rather than this is happening to me.

Regardless of who society says you should or must be, you’re able to use guilt to nudge you in the direction of being more accepting and loving of yourself. To look for the should, embrace all of your emotions, especially the unpopular or out-of-favor ones, like anger, sadness or envy.

It is the love in your Heart, your unconditional love, that goes beyond situation or circumstance, that allows you to accept all of you, even the painful and imperfect parts.

Heartfelt wishes,
Amy

Photo credit: BigStock