I used to think that my children’s achievements were a direct reflection on my parenting skills. If they did well, I did really well.

As my oldest daughter grew into childhood, I was delighted by her every accomplishment. I was proud not only of her, but of me too. Such a precocious reader! Such a vocabulary! Those are my genes and my dedication to daily reading time! I must have good parenting skills.

But it’s preposterous to take my daughter Emily’s low aptitude as a reflection of my parenting skills. She was born with severe brain damage, and even brain-first me could see that her cognitive delays are not a statement about my parenting or my self-worth.

It took an overseas trip and a call with Emily to remind me of this. Her greeting moved me right out of brain-first thinking and over into Heart.

I recently helped resettle my oldest child in a new city and called home to check in with my other kids. Well, I called home with a to-do list to go over with them: Help your caretakers, eat more veggies and less junk food, get plenty of sleep, and don’t forget to start those school assignments.

I could tell it was Emily who answered because of the loud and joyful screech, “AHHHHHH, it’s Mommy!”

A burst of pure energy travelled thousands of miles to reach me. I was knocked sideways by the force of her greeting.

Emily’s gleeful shriek was just what I needed to wake up and get out of autopilot thinking.

I was all set to ask the kids, How are you doing?  but the sub context was really, How’s that to-do list I put together for you coming along?

Instead I felt the full impact of Emily’s love as she tumbled towards me, and her Heart-first ways reordered my world once again. Emily always lives in Heart, and she’s my most reliable teacher and guide to this path of living. She’s my constant reminder of why it’s important to switch from brain-first to heart-first thinking. (Take this short quiz to see if you’re living Heart-first.)

And if I just take a step in that direction, Heart will always be right there..

Just as I was about to put my expectations on my children, Emily reminded me that this approach was not in Heart. Once again, Emily nudged me away from old roles and beliefs I used to hold unquestioningly. Letting go of these is one of the best gifts she’s given me.

And if Emily’s disability is not a statement about my parenting skills or my self-worth, I also don’t get credit for the gifted child’s achievements either. And that’s okay.

Being in Heart has taught me that our children’s gifts and challenges, both intellectual and spiritual, are entirely theirs.

In the early days of parenting, my husband and I believed that all we needed to do was provide unconditional love for our kids. How hard could that be? Now we’re much more humble. Good parenting is incredibly hard because it demands that we get a handle on ourselves – and our negative reactions towards our kids – that often get in the way of offering unconditional love. Now we’re working on being okay with sometimes succeeding and sometimes not.

One time a mom came into my office, and before even settling onto the couch she announced, “Well, Billy was accepted to Harvard. Now I can retire.”

She was entirely serious. As the session progressed, I recognized her words and I was reminded of my old self. I, too, would have taken my child’s achievement as my gold star.

But in Heart, I know better.

In Heart, my personal path of growth – my milestones, setbacks, and changes – are mine. And, my children’s paths are theirs.

I still have moments when I forget this, as I’m speeding along, living brain-first. Luckily, I can count on regular wake up calls, happily shouted from Emily, to get me back on track.

What old roles and beliefs is your heart telling you to let go of? Let me know in the comment section below.

Heartfelt wishes,
Amy

Photo credit: Brodie Vissers for StockSnap