Today while walking my dog, I realized how happiness depends on letting your defenses down and saying goodbye to defensive behavior.

Throughout your life, your brain – whose primary purpose is to protect you from harm – has gathered evidence for why you should not trust anyone. A person you know makes a mistake, and brain labels that person unreliable. A friend forgets to call or is late, and brain labels her self-centered. Your husband says something insensitive and brain labels him mean-spirited.

In a mad effort to protect, brain calls out “be careful, be guarded, be mistrustful and be on the defense!” No wonder you’ve developed defensive behavior. Brain narrows your focus to only see how you have reason to be afraid.

What you look for, you will see, and your usual stance will become a defensive one.

Defenses can be subtle, but how defensive behavior makes you feel is obvious. When you’re defensive, you’ll feel tense, on guard, worried, fearful, distanced, numbed, and tired.

A defensive stance doesn’t just sap your energy—defensive behavior also makes you come across as irritable, cold, distracted and unfriendly. Based on the premise that no one is a true friend, being defensive literally makes that happen.

So how do you undo defensive behavior, which is brain’s default setting?

The opposite of defensiveness is trust. To trust means that you rely on the goodness of others. You believe that they’ll do the right thing, so you feel safe, unthreatened, open, and relaxed.

A trusting stance helps you come across as calm, confident, and friendly. Based on the premise that you can trust others, you improve your relationships.

Making the switch from being defensive to being trusting will take some practice, but you can do this. Just for today, try to develop a trusting attitude: relax your body and tune into what’s going right in this moment. What’s right in your relationships, your life and the lives of those you feel close to?

You might even try saying, “Let me be defenseless right now so I may feel peace, joy and ease.”

As your defenses come down, you’ll be able to let in the goodness in the moment. Savor the feeling and try this again and again. Let me know how you feel in the comment section below.

Heartfelt wishes,
Amy

Photo credit: Priscilla du Preez, Unsplash